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Relationship advice or just venting

Started by EnjiBear in She Bears 2 months ago

Evening Bears,

I'm hoping for some words of encouragement, advice, or at least some kind of relief through having somewhere to vent. I have been with my boyfriend for almost four years and have changed a ton during that time. When I met him I was working in a big city, working 100 hour weeks, getting drunk all the time, etcetera. I met him in a video game... I've been a "gamer" my whole life… I kicked the drinking and moved in with him, took up smoking weed instead and worked at an extremely stressful corporate finance cubicle job. Through this whole time my $80k of student loans didn't even get touched because my money was spent trying to keep myself sane, "keeping up appearances", and paying bills... not to say I didn't try... listened to Dave Ramsay a lot and tried to shame myself into getting the debt to go away but it didn't work out great. I had a mental breakdown the summer of 2019 and had some kind of vision, or something, that all my family and friends were killed by “powers that be”... the emotions of betrayal, grief, and despair felt 100% real like it actually happened and was super terrible, had to go to the emergency room. I had been on one anti-depressant quite a while but they tried putting me on some heavy duty craziness because of that... after trying several I decided I didn't want any pharmaceuticals anywhere near me and I've been totally free of them since. I wasn't able to watch any new fiction tv shows or movies after that, so Game of Thrones was the last one I watched lol. It just felt so wrong to “leave reality" so to speak? I can't explain it. I got really into new age stuff like tarot cards and the i ching but at the same time I was trying to find God, started reading the bible. 

When Coronu hit I thought it was retarded how people at the corporation were doing elbow bumps and put hand sanitizer everywhere... then I was sent to work from home... a few months of that and I had enough and decided to just quit even though I only had a few grand in the bank. We were "Bernie Bros" before Coronu, because I thought he actually cared about reigning in billionaires and corporations / wasn't divisive / and I thought student loans should be forgiven... but all politics was dead to me once he supported Biden and I saw through that spell. I always thought of myself as a "feminist" but I've also always respected stay at home mothers, femininity, and masculinity both. I was always pro-choice but personally would never do that. In "leftist" circles they began using the term "TERF" ("trans exclusionary radical feminist"), that's about the time I got out of all of those communities / stopped watching all those YouTubers lol. I never felt right working in finance, like I was just pretending the entire time, terrified I'd be found out. The only reason I got into it was because I worked at many $5-$8 an hour jobs and had a 7 year relationship through and after highschool where the guy just collected unemployment and had phone sex and cyber sex while I was at work... I thought it was my way to a better life. Anyway, that's just a bit of background. 

Shortly after I left the corporate job I also left all social media, found the truth of the flat earth, confronted all of my previously held beliefs (for example went from 5 yrs of veganism to being a localvore), and went back and forth between Christianity and New Age before finally accepting Jesus and repenting for my sins. My boyfriend found himself a six figure remote corporate job so we were able to move close to my (big) extended family that I had been wanting to get back to. He decided to get a big fancy house (he also has a big fancy car), so the amount of debt we have stresses me out constantly. I have been confronting him since last summer about how I've changed and I want him to care more about reality... since he still watches sci fi tv shows, sports, plays lots of video games, scrolls through reddit, etc. He finally agreed to watch (more like listen to while gaming) a playlist of videos I made him and he's already told me he thinks global warming could be a hoax, thinks 7/11 was a part time job, thinks coronu is the great reset agenda (I got him to go into a store without a mask ONE time and said I was proud of him but stores won't let you in anymore) and he even says he's a flat earther now (but said he'd never tell anyone lol). He has been committed to watching 2 hours of material a day, but doesn't seek out his own information really, and he's not really interested in much conversation about any of it. He's very materialistic in the sense that he's 'of the world' and still an atheist. I'm praying he can get all the way there (God - which I've told him is at the end and the only hope). He's very turned off by BB so I haven't been able to get him to watch any of the streams lol :( (he's used to watching gays and gammas play video games on Twitch lol)… I did throw one or two in the playlist though XD… It feels like he doesn't care about a lot except work and video games. Other than that he is a genuinely good person, doesn't watch porn (anymore) or fight with me, tells me he loves me constantly, takes out the trash, snowblows the driveway, gets along with my family, etc. haha… 

I told him I need him to either make a commitment to me or let me go though because I'm only interested in serving God's plan now and starting a family, etc. and that I was frustrated he always talks about being with me forever but won't propose. He thinks my wanting kids is because I think it will “cure” my depression, so he doesn't understand at all… he literally has a gay therapist lol. He had said he didn't want children before but now he says he does, after I told him I wanted them (God willing). I'm 35 and he's 31 so that's a big reason I had to confront him with it. I'm absolutely dying to have children now because I really want to be asked questions and to have someone to show the world to, let alone a reason and purpose for living.  I also told him I wanted to be a stay at home mom and he agreed and even said he'd take over my student loans, and he's been making my payments while I've been out of work. But because of this, money is tight, and I still need to pay off ~$20k in consumer debt so I have to get another job and he expects me to.

 I'm having a lot of trouble with "re-entry" into the "salt mines" though.  I almost got a finance job at a healthcare place but when I heard about their "indiginous mass vaccination campaign" I bailed before the second interview lol. I also bailed on a second interview with another big 4 accounting firm for a temporary remote position because I just didn't think I could handle it. I have been dealing with cannabis withdrawal and daily suicidal ideation the past month. I used the weed to numb myself from everything and it helped me feel on the same level as my bf just gaming all night while I listened to videos... but it made me lazy, unproductive and still depressed during the day too. I've become super alienated from friends and family and feel like I have no one to talk to because a lot of them are under the spell and are afraid to be around other people. I've become somewhat closer to my Trumper family members but they're still mesmerized by SpaceX, beer, idol worship, and the NFL. Many family members, but especially the liberals, have developed extreme misanthropy and it's tough for me to hear their casual disdain for humanity in general. About the only time I get out is playing cards with my mom (obsessed w/ maynard james keenan, like, she has an altar… btw he just said today that he actually got coronu TWICE lol) and grandmother (watches news 24/7) on Sundays and grocery shopping. Going to the store is really hard for me seeing everyone's face covered up with the masku with no smiles anywhere. Also doesn't help that it's the dead of winter. I'm finding it very hard to simply exist but just trying to push through. I can't imagine "dating" again through all this... but I also don't feel "lead"... does it sound like I should stay where I am?  He told me he will propose sooner than later when I confronted him. I want to be able to be thankful and grateful for what I have, I'm just finding it very difficult and maybe need a different perspective. Sorry for the wall of text I just really needed to vent, so thanks for listening if you made it through. 

2 months ago

Hi EnjiBear, 

Here is my take on your situation. I'm a 41 year divorced mom of two and I've made my share of poor decisions so you can keep that in mind while you're reading this. First off, it's clear that your boyfriend loves you and wants to please you. That does not mean he is an ideal partner for you. Just because he's in agreement with having kids now doesn't mean that he actually wants them or that he's mentally ready for them. It appears as though having a nice car, nice house and approval from others are more important to him than building a family. 

I want to remind you that you are not your debt. It sounds like you are factoring in your debt when it comes to deciding whether to stay with your bf or not. Yes, it's a lot of debt but please don't make life-long decisions on the type of man you want to be with based on that. Also, don't make the mistake (which I did many years ago) of listening to your ovaries and ignoring your conscience about the kind of man you want for the father of your children. I was in the ‘I want a baby so badly’ frame of mind when I chose a not so nice man to have children with. Yes, you're 35 and don't have all the time in the world but you still have ample time to have a few kids so don't despair! It's WAY better to take another one or two years and find an awesome man who will ‘get’ you and wants to build a life with you.

Your market value (sorry for the weird term) in the dating world is great. You are a 35-year-old bear without any kids (which complicates matters, trust me) who seems to have a great head on her shoulders. There are hundreds of male Bears out there looking for a woman like you to crush with. You can have an awesome future with a man who loves you because of your views, not despite your views. Find a man who wants to lead you and crush and have babies with you.

In the short term, consider moving back in with your parents to save money if you can. Find some sort of work where you don't have to compromise your principles. Get on the Bear App if you aren't already and get inspired by all the Bears who are crushing. Go to every Bear meet-up that you can. You sound like a very genuine person who is just stuck but I think you can have an awesome future!

BrioBear

2 months ago

EnjiBear, Thank you for the vent. I am a lonely [married] Mom of 3. I’m on the tail end of a pretty severe depressive episode, so I’m not too coherent atm, but you are among many like-minded here, and I’d love to discuss more ‘in private’ if you want to email me at leahsummer@tutanota.com. I’m a shaky legged baby Christian myself, but my guess is pray pray pray about it. (I need to do the same.) I love what Briobear said about you are not your debt. I commend you for listening to your convictions! We recently relocated from urban MN to rural AZ, and while on our journey I became acutely aware of how the propaganda is on steroids towards the Native American communities, it’s so gross. 

2 months ago

Thank you both for the replies - I spoke with him again and he's coming around to Christianity… I really want it to work out since we've been through a lot together so we'll see…

2 months ago

Ladies, I don’t have any grand advice but reading this has helped me. Especially the part about we are not our debt. I’m praying for everyone. I’ve been learning how much our gut health is linked to mental health. A few things that have helped me most since kicking antidepressants was the TRS heavy metal detox, fasting, Barbara O’Neill videos on youtube (she’s a naturopath nurse) and healthier food. 
 

Im reganjill or regsbear on Instagram And bearta times app if you want friends! There’s a lot of awesome ladies on there giving advice and encouragement. 

2 months ago

Hey lady bears I grieve for all the hurt that we are going through but we are a community and we can vent and reach out and pray. I’m a 68 yr old bloomer and my testimony is that God is Good and knows right where all of us are. Please trust Him and not your own understanding and in all your ways make Him Known and He will direct your path. Proverbs 3:5…. love to all, Bloomer Bear

1 month ago

Enjibear, you have transformed so much! I bet this guy really loves and cares for you so much to ride Along with you as you have blossomed. My encouragement is to be honest with yourself as it pertains to your walk with Christ. Really cling to the father and seek his guidance for you in His Word. As you grow in your faith, don’t put pressure on your BF to accept Christianity, rather allow him to see the fruits of your growth, allow him to smell the sweet fragrance of Christ in you. The grace, mercy and forgiveness of Christ is what draws us all in at some point. If you are patient, loving, forgiving, peaceful (and all the other fruits of the spirit) and your BF still rejects Christ, then it’s been his choice to reject christ and not just responding to you, your nagging or your pressure. Be clear about what you want now in a husband And partner, but most of all, even if you guys end up separating; pray for his salvation. It’s really what is most important for all of us. ❤️

2 days ago

Enjibear, I feel a little late to the party, but I think I may have something useful to add. What all the other Lady bears have said above is true: I have seen and witnessed it in many women and men, all of it. The best advice is to be a great example to your BF of how awesome life is with Christ, and the pure joy that comes from serving Him. It took me a few years to come around completely to all the gravy that my then BF (now husband) was trying to tell me about the world. It was intense, and I couldn't have made it through all that without him by my side giving me hope for the future, so while you're ladling the gravy on him, be there to answer his questions and remain positive for the future. As for the baby stuff, if you take the time to really care for your body and keep it in peak physical condition, that will really stretch your “baby window” time out. God is the ultimate physician; Pray to Him and ask Him for what you need, and what you want, and ask for the grace to achieve it in His name, and you will see fruitfulness. Peace in Christ-Narnia