I'm hoping for some words of encouragement, advice, or at least some kind of relief through having somewhere to vent. I have been with my boyfriend for almost four years and have changed a ton during that time. When I met him I was working in a big city, working 100 hour weeks, getting drunk all the time, etcetera. I met him in a video game... I've been a "gamer" my whole life… I kicked the drinking and moved in with him, took up smoking weed instead and worked at an extremely stressful corporate finance cubicle job. Through this whole time my $80k of student loans didn't even get touched because my money was spent trying to keep myself sane, "keeping up appearances", and paying bills... not to say I didn't try... listened to Dave Ramsay a lot and tried to shame myself into getting the debt to go away but it didn't work out great. I had a mental breakdown the summer of 2019 and had some kind of vision, or something, that all my family and friends were killed by “powers that be”... the emotions of betrayal, grief, and despair felt 100% real like it actually happened and was super terrible, had to go to the emergency room. I had been on one anti-depressant quite a while but they tried putting me on some heavy duty craziness because of that... after trying several I decided I didn't want any pharmaceuticals anywhere near me and I've been totally free of them since. I wasn't able to watch any new fiction tv shows or movies after that, so Game of Thrones was the last one I watched lol. It just felt so wrong to “leave reality" so to speak? I can't explain it. I got really into new age stuff like tarot cards and the i ching but at the same time I was trying to find God, started reading the bible.
When Coronu hit I thought it was retarded how people at the corporation were doing elbow bumps and put hand sanitizer everywhere... then I was sent to work from home... a few months of that and I had enough and decided to just quit even though I only had a few grand in the bank. We were "Bernie Bros" before Coronu, because I thought he actually cared about reigning in billionaires and corporations / wasn't divisive / and I thought student loans should be forgiven... but all politics was dead to me once he supported Biden and I saw through that spell. I always thought of myself as a "feminist" but I've also always respected stay at home mothers, femininity, and masculinity both. I was always pro-choice but personally would never do that. In "leftist" circles they began using the term "TERF" ("trans exclusionary radical feminist"), that's about the time I got out of all of those communities / stopped watching all those YouTubers lol. I never felt right working in finance, like I was just pretending the entire time, terrified I'd be found out. The only reason I got into it was because I worked at many $5-$8 an hour jobs and had a 7 year relationship through and after highschool where the guy just collected unemployment and had phone sex and cyber sex while I was at work... I thought it was my way to a better life. Anyway, that's just a bit of background.
Shortly after I left the corporate job I also left all social media, found the truth of the flat earth, confronted all of my previously held beliefs (for example went from 5 yrs of veganism to being a localvore), and went back and forth between Christianity and New Age before finally accepting Jesus and repenting for my sins. My boyfriend found himself a six figure remote corporate job so we were able to move close to my (big) extended family that I had been wanting to get back to. He decided to get a big fancy house (he also has a big fancy car), so the amount of debt we have stresses me out constantly. I have been confronting him since last summer about how I've changed and I want him to care more about reality... since he still watches sci fi tv shows, sports, plays lots of video games, scrolls through reddit, etc. He finally agreed to watch (more like listen to while gaming) a playlist of videos I made him and he's already told me he thinks global warming could be a hoax, thinks 7/11 was a part time job, thinks coronu is the great reset agenda (I got him to go into a store without a mask ONE time and said I was proud of him but stores won't let you in anymore) and he even says he's a flat earther now (but said he'd never tell anyone lol). He has been committed to watching 2 hours of material a day, but doesn't seek out his own information really, and he's not really interested in much conversation about any of it. He's very materialistic in the sense that he's 'of the world' and still an atheist. I'm praying he can get all the way there (God - which I've told him is at the end and the only hope). He's very turned off by BB so I haven't been able to get him to watch any of the streams lol :( (he's used to watching gays and gammas play video games on Twitch lol)… I did throw one or two in the playlist though XD… It feels like he doesn't care about a lot except work and video games. Other than that he is a genuinely good person, doesn't watch porn (anymore) or fight with me, tells me he loves me constantly, takes out the trash, snowblows the driveway, gets along with my family, etc. haha…
I told him I need him to either make a commitment to me or let me go though because I'm only interested in serving God's plan now and starting a family, etc. and that I was frustrated he always talks about being with me forever but won't propose. He thinks my wanting kids is because I think it will “cure” my depression, so he doesn't understand at all… he literally has a gay therapist lol. He had said he didn't want children before but now he says he does, after I told him I wanted them (God willing). I'm 35 and he's 31 so that's a big reason I had to confront him with it. I'm absolutely dying to have children now because I really want to be asked questions and to have someone to show the world to, let alone a reason and purpose for living. I also told him I wanted to be a stay at home mom and he agreed and even said he'd take over my student loans, and he's been making my payments while I've been out of work. But because of this, money is tight, and I still need to pay off ~$20k in consumer debt so I have to get another job and he expects me to.
I'm having a lot of trouble with "re-entry" into the "salt mines" though. I almost got a finance job at a healthcare place but when I heard about their "indiginous mass vaccination campaign" I bailed before the second interview lol. I also bailed on a second interview with another big 4 accounting firm for a temporary remote position because I just didn't think I could handle it. I have been dealing with cannabis withdrawal and daily suicidal ideation the past month. I used the weed to numb myself from everything and it helped me feel on the same level as my bf just gaming all night while I listened to videos... but it made me lazy, unproductive and still depressed during the day too. I've become super alienated from friends and family and feel like I have no one to talk to because a lot of them are under the spell and are afraid to be around other people. I've become somewhat closer to my Trumper family members but they're still mesmerized by SpaceX, beer, idol worship, and the NFL. Many family members, but especially the liberals, have developed extreme misanthropy and it's tough for me to hear their casual disdain for humanity in general. About the only time I get out is playing cards with my mom (obsessed w/ maynard james keenan, like, she has an altar… btw he just said today that he actually got coronu TWICE lol) and grandmother (watches news 24/7) on Sundays and grocery shopping. Going to the store is really hard for me seeing everyone's face covered up with the masku with no smiles anywhere. Also doesn't help that it's the dead of winter. I'm finding it very hard to simply exist but just trying to push through. I can't imagine "dating" again through all this... but I also don't feel "lead"... does it sound like I should stay where I am? He told me he will propose sooner than later when I confronted him. I want to be able to be thankful and grateful for what I have, I'm just finding it very difficult and maybe need a different perspective. Sorry for the wall of text I just really needed to vent, so thanks for listening if you made it through.